Mark#9 – Taking the Piss

Actually, this post should be titled ‘Taking A Piss’, which is exactly what CNN reporter Kyra Phillps was doing yesterday during a live Presidential broadcast. Unfortunately, she forgot to turn her microphone off…

I imagine George Bush’s media advisors were delighted (in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if they arranged it), I mean it’s probably the first time that someone has come off looking more stupid than him during one of his speeches.

USA! USA! USA!

Idiots.

Wedding Countdown

…24 days to go! Wheeeeeeee…..

Mark#8 – In Memorium

Mark#7 – England Knock Portugal Out (For Once)

In case you haven’t seen it already, this is the horrific challenge Man City’s Ben Thatcher put on Portsmouth’s Portuguese midfielder, Pedro Mendes, last night:

Mark#6 – The Fame Game

April and I spent over three years living in Toronto, Canada, before moving over to the UK. As a major North American city, host of one of the top film festivals on the planet, and a prime location for movie shoots (movies that are “set” in New York City are often filmed in Toronto – its cheaper and easier to secure permits apparently), it wasn’t unusual to see the odd celebrity knocking about town. Especially when you live on the fringes of the ultra-chic Bloor-Yorkville neighbourhood, as we did. And especially when you work in PR, as we did and, indeed, still do.

Below – in no particular order – are the highlights of my Toronto celebrity encounters:

1) April so excited at seeing Scott Speedman that she squeezed my hand so tightly it almost came off.

2) Being surprised by how stunning Sigourney Weaver is in the flesh (I always thought she looked like a monkey until I saw her up-close).

3) Seeing Dustin Hoffman marching up Bay Street, at least five steps ahead of his wife, who was desperately trying to keep up.

4) Watching Natalie Portman just sitting there, eating breakfast, and being incredibly, unbelievably HOT. Because she’s top of my celebrity ‘to do’ list, April encouraged me to go chat her up (anyone remember that episode of Friends, where Ross meets Isabella Rosselini?), but my supersonic sonar radar told me she probably wouldn’t be interested.

5) Coming seriously close to a fist fight with Canadian Idol winner, Ryan Malcolm (the Canadian equivalent of Will Young), which I would have won. Easily.

Mark#5 – S.O.A.P.

I wanted to see if I was savvy enough to properly embed a YouTube video into a WordPress blog…and I figured there could be nothing better to showcase than this classic dialogue from the movie April and I saw on the weekend:

Rad!!

Mark#4 – Stag Hunting

Although the wedding isn’t until September 22nd, April and I are being whisked away for our hen and stag parties this coming Saturday.

Whilst April and her new pals will be indulging in delicious Japanese cuisine and the best cocktails in Manchester, I’ll be in the slightly less pampered atmostphere of a wet, muddy West Yorkshire field, having my ass pummelled by balls of paint travelling 206 MPH, courtesy of 30 or so of my so-called ‘friends’.

But I’m not afraid. Although it’s been a few years since I’ve stepped onto a paintball field, I’m confident enough in my expert infantry skills, after all I did win the ‘Player of the Day’ award the last time I played. Also, I think my pals are grown up enough now to take it easy on me and not just abuse me because it’s my symbolic last day of freedom. Yeah, it’ll be alright.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m a dead man. And I’m starting to brick it.

Mark#3 – Can the real ‘Scraps’ please stand up?

April and I – pet humanists as we are – are currently spending endless hours debating what kind of puppy dog we should welcome into our family. 

There are, however, several factors to consider when selecting a dog breed. How much grooming does it need? How much exercise does it need? Is it good with cats (we have two kitties, so this is essential for us)? Is it good with kids (we’re hoping for several in the near future, so this is also essential)? How affectionate is it? How loud is it? How easy is it to train? The list goes on…

After giving the subject much thought, we entered our preferences (good with cats, good with kids, low maintenance grooming, tons of affection) into the Discovery Channel Dog Breed Selector, and we now find ourselves faced with choosing between these four cuties:

Scraps the Beagle?

Scraps the Labrador Retriever? 

Scraps the Flat-Coated Retriever?

Scraps the Golden Retriever?

I would be more than happy with any of them, though I think the Beagle is currently in last position as he is more difficult to train, and doesn’t grow to be as large as the retrievers – a ‘man-sized’ dog was one of my secondary criteria. However, the Beagle is incredibly cute, so we just can’t rule him out.

Talk about an impossible decision!

Oh, and I’m working on April to let me name him/her ‘Scraps’.

Get your Missoni on

Mark abandoned me this past weekend so I did what any self-respecting shopaholic would do: I revved up the Peugeot and made a trip to House of Fraser. (It would have been Harvey Nicks but then my damn conscience kicked in…)

Sure, the place looked a bit like a jumble sale at first and I fear that this could deter a less chronic shopper. Perseverance is key as good deals are there to be had.

I almost fell down when I discovered a rack of Missoni scarves, marked down to £19.50. No – that is not a typo. £19.50!!! I called up my soon-to-be-sister-in-law to relay the good news. Once she realized I wasn’t saying “£90.50″ she too felt the elation only a deep designer discount can provide.

I’m wearing mine now.

Is it wrong that I think I need a cigarette?

Mark#2 – China Kicks Ass…Literally!

Nanjing, China, capital of the Jhiangsu Province (thanks Wikipedia). One of the most culturally significant cities in the Eastern hemisphere. A former capital of China on several occasions. A mecca of sorts for artists, intellectuals and poets alike. More galleries, museums, festivals, libraries and theatres than you can shake your chopsticks at.

All of which makes it the logical choice for what promises to represent the first major cultural revolution of this millennium…Wu Sung’s “Rising Sun Anger Release Bar“.

The concept is this: following a hard day’s graft, the irate patrons of this drinking establishment are encouraged to decompress via the physical expression of their pent-up frustrations.

In other words, the customers are allowed to beat the crap out of the bar staff!!

No kidding. You walk in, select your victim, choose a costume for him (I’m not making this up) and then wail on his ass until you feel relieved of societal pressures. Societal pressures that are seemingly so overwhelming that expressing them through a few angry brush strokes, rigourous dance moves or strongly-worded stanza cannot provide bloody satisfaction.

How is it that, with all the knowledge and the teachings of history, culture is able to devolve in such ways? I despair!

With bar-room brawling apparently the yardstick for measuring the cultural prominence of a city, I guess we can all finally understand why Liverpool has been elected the European Capital of Culture.

I can only assume the brains behind this relatively prestigious award have never heard of Oldham.